Freud called this principle the ‘debasement of love life’ in men: the split between love and sexual desire.
It sheds light on its mechanism: love is addressed to the one you think knows your true truth.
But love allows you to think this truth will be likeable, agreeable, when in fact it’s rather hard to bear.
It’s a question of that automatic and more often than not unconscious love that the analysand brings to the analyst, and which is called transference. We love the one that harbours the response, or a response, to our question: ‘Who am I? Those that think they’re complete on their own, or want to be, don’t know how to love. They manipulate, pull strings, but of love they know neither the risk nor the delights.
It’s a contrived love, but made of the same stuff as true love.
– This sentence gets repeated over and over without being understood, or it gets understood the wrong way round. This totally escapes the neurosciences, because it’s unique to each person, it’s down to their singular, intimate history. For instance, Freud singled out in one of his patients a cause of desire that was a shine on a woman’s nose! It’s true that’s it’s above all in men that you find causes of desire like that, which are like fetishes whose presence is indispensable to spark off the love process. There, he uncovers the trigger: in her he met traits that reminded him of what he had been at the age of twenty, when he went for his first job interview. In these two examples we see the two sides of love distinguished by Freud: either you love the person who protects, in this case the mother, or you love a narcissistic image of yourself. Each civilisation stands out for the way it structures the relation between the sexes. And when a woman clings on to one man, she castrates him. The best destiny of conjugal love is friendship, that’s essentially what Aristotle said. Translated by from the French by Adrian Price for NLS Messager Source: Miller (born 14 February 1944 Chateauroux, France) is a psychoanalyst and writer.
It’s a particular trait – or a set of traits – that have a decisive function in a person for the choice of the loved one. – It’s hard to believe in a love founded on these trifles! You can’t imagine how much in human life is founded, especially where love is concerned, on little things, on pinheads, on ‘divine details’. – In women, fantasies, whether conscious or unconscious, are decisive for the position of jouissance more than for the choice of love object. For example, it may happen that a woman can only achievejouissance – orgasm, let’s say – on condition that she imagines herself, during intercourse itself, being beaten, raped, or imagines that she’s another woman, or even that she’s elsewhere, absent. He wonders what got hold of him and goes into analysis. The modalities of love are extremely sensitive to the surrounding culture. Married homosexuals develop this cult of the woman best: Aragon sings his love for Elsa; as soon as she dies, it’s hello boys! – The problem is that men say they don’t understand what women want; and women, what men expect of them… Love is a labyrinth of misunderstandings whose way out doesn’t exist.Hanna Waar – Does psychoanalysis teach us something about love? – Some people know how to provoke love in the other person, serial lovers as it were, men and women alike. But they don’t necessarily love, rather they play cat and mouse with their prey. It’s not giving what you possess, goods and presents, it’s giving something else that you don’t possess, which goes beyond you. Jacques-Alain Miller – A great deal, because it’s an experience whose mainspring is love. – To really love someone is to believe that by loving them you’ll get to a truth about yourself. – Why do some people know how to love and not others? To love, you have to admit your lack, and recognise that you need the other, that you miss him or her. – ‘Complete on their own’: only a man could think that… To do that you have to assume your lack, your ‘castration’ as Freud used to say. The menhir of Courbessac (or La Poudrière) stands in a field, near the airstrip.This limestone monolith of over two metres in height dates to about 2500 BC, and must be considered the oldest monument of Nîmes.Nîmes has a mediterranean climate that is one of the warmest in France.